With apologies to the hard-working authors and lawyers responsible for writing all the legal boiler-plate and disclaimers I’ve bothered to read. Oddly enough, I have actually read many such documents. Truth be told, there’s nothing new here – I’m just doing a bit of CYA so some asshat doesn’t try suing me or something.
And another thing, if you’re looking to me for advice on managing your money, investing, etc. … WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!??? I’m a man who has made a LOT of mistakes. Any advice or wisdom I have to impart is BAD. I’m just doing this blog for entertainment purposes, mostly my own. Think about that — maybe I’m doing this so I can watch idiots complain about losing all their money following my ersatz advice. Really. That’s how much disdain I have for any audience I might garner doing this crap.
NOTHING on this site should be construed as investment advice. Either figure it out for yourself or hire yourself a financial advisor. They say you should always consult a professional before investing, but experience shows nobody ever listens. We’re all on our own.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Greenbackcafe.com – TERMS OF SERVICE
Effective Date: December 24, 2020 (Yes, I did this on Christmas Eve)
Thank you for visiting our website (www.greenbackcafe.com) (this “Website” or the “Website”). If you’re reading this, you’re probably looking for some loophole to sue me or something. Oy. Dream on. First, I don’t have that much money so suing me is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone. And second, there are many much better places on the internet to seek advice for managing your money (I may even suggest a few) so why the hell did you come here? My God, get a life will ya’?
BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING WITH OR ON OR REGARDING THIS WEBSITE, OR USING ANY INFORMATION, PRODUCTS, ADVICE, ETC. PROCURED HEREON, YOU SHOULD READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING TERMS OF SERVICE. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU WON’T, YOU SHOULD. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK I’D BE SHOUTING AND USING ALL-CAPS HERE? GUESS WHAT? IF YOU CONTINUE TO ACCESS, LINK TO OR USE THIS WEBSITE OR ANY PRODUCT OR SERVICE OR INFORMATION OBTAINED AS A RESULT, YOU HAVE IMPLICITLY ACCEPTED THESE TERMS WHETHER YOU HAVE READ THEM OR NOT. THIS CONSTITUTES A BINDING CONTRACT BETWEEN YOU AND THIS WEBSITE’S OWNER.
Oy! All that shouting is making me hoarse. I’m taking a break to get some coffee and maybe stop off at the bathroom. brb.
And … I’m back. Let us continue.
BY ACCESSING AND USING THIS WEBSITE, YOU HAVE AGREED TO BE BOUND TO THE TERMS OF SERVICE AND YOU REPRESENT THAT YOU HAVE READ AND UNDERSTAND THEM IN THEIR CURRENT FORM. IF YOU DO NOT OR CANNOT AGREE TO BE BOUND BY ANY OF THE PROVISIONS OF THESE TERMS OF SERVICE (OR IF YOU ARE LEGALLY INCAPABLE OF BEING BOUND), PLEASE GO AWAY. LEAVE. BEGONE. EXIT FROM THE WEBSITE AND DISCONTINUE ANY USE OF THE WEBSITE AND/OR THE PRODUCTS AND SERVICES. WE DON’T LIKE YOU AND WISH YOU WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR. IF YOU ARE ENTERING INTO THESE TERMS OF SERVICE IN CONNECTION WITH YOUR EMPLOYMENT, YOU HEREBY REPRESENT TO GREENBACKCAFE.COM’S OWNERS THAT YOU ARE AUTHORIZED TO AND HEREBY DO BIND YOUR COMPANY/EMPLOYER TO THESE TERMS OF SERVICE. IF ANY COURT OF COMPETENT JURISDICTION DETERMINES THAT YOU HAVE FAILED TO BIND YOUR COMPANY/EMPLOYER, THESE TERMS OF SERVICE SHALL BE BINDING UPON YOU PERSONALLY. ANY REFERENCES HEREIN TO “YOU” AND “YOUR” REFER BOTH TO YOU AND TO YOUR COMPANY/EMPLOYER, AS APPLICABLE.
Greenbackcafe.com (the “Website” or “Greenbackcafe” or “that bunch of ignorant doofuses”) is a silly blog that publishes content relating to just about anything, including the financial markets (“Content”), and may at some future point offer certain products and services (collectively, “Services”) through http://www.greenbackcafe.com (the “Website”) and via email and other electronic communications, even though that is highly unlikely. Access to and use of the Website and the Services is always subject to these Terms of Service (“Terms of Service”), including any other online or mobile websites, blogs and interactive applications operated by “that bunch of ignorant doofuses” who own “Greenbackcafe”. The Website conducts its operations related to these Terms of Service from its basement offices in a bunker in the State of Illinois, United States of America. All interactions between you and Greenbackcafe, including without limitation the delivery of Services between Greenbackcafe and you, shall be deemed to have occurred in the State of Illinois, United States of America.
These Terms of Service constitute a binding contract between you and Greenbackcafe.
1. USE OF SITE AND SERVICES
A. USE OF THE WEBSITE AND SERVICES
That bunch of ignorant doofuses who own the Website provide access to, and use of, this Website and its Services subject to your compliance with these Terms of Service, and if applicable, any written agreement between that bunch of ignorant doofuses and you or your employer. By using the Website and Services, you agree that such use, for any purpose, is at your own-risk.
B. GRANT OF LIMITED LICENSE
i. Limited License to Use the Website.
The Website, including all Content, such as, but not limited to, a long list of things that I’m too lazy to type up, whether accessed via the Website or any other means, as between you and the Greenbackcafe Website, belong to that bunch of ignorant doofuses who own the Website or to the Website’s suppliers or licensors. EVERYTHING is protected by patent, trademark and/or copyright under United States and/or foreign laws. Your use of the Website and Content may only be for your own internal personal or business (as the case may be) purposes. Do not try to access portions of the Website or Content not intended to be made public because that would be a dick move on your part. Except as otherwise expressly provided in writing by the bunch of ignorant doofuses who own the Website, or by the Terms of Service, or by written agreement with Greenbackcafe, you may not file, stamp, index, debrief, use, download, copy, reproduce, republish, upload, post, transmit or redistribute Content in any way, shape or form.
ii. Subscription Terms and License.
a. Subscription Registration.
For the time being, it is not possible to register or subscribe to the Website. This is subject to change, depending on reception.
b. Limited License to Services.
Your license to the Service supplied by this Website, such as it is, is subject to your compliance with the Terms of Service. Your license and right to access this Website, Services and Content is non-exclusive, non-assignable, non-transferable, non-sublicensable, and non-edible. The Website, Services, and Content are currently free and really only subject to the rules of fair use regarding copyrighted material. Again, don’t be a dick – don’t copy one of my posts and treat it as your own. In case you didn’t know, that is called plagiarism. And plagiarism is NOT cool. Do NOT use this Website, Services, and Content for nefarious, illicit or illegal purposes. Such usage is solely your responsibility. It is up to you to: abide by the laws of your and the bunch of ignorant doofuses’ jurisdictions; conform with the requirements of these Terms of Service; and drink responsibly. Even though you might think it’s a dick move to do so, the bunch of ignorant doofuses still have the right at any time to change or discontinue any aspect or feature of the Services, including (but not limited to) Content, hours of availability, Taco Thursdays, and equipment needed for access or use.
c. Use of Services for Institutional Investing.
If you plan to or are currently using this Website’s Services for institutional investing, the bunch of ignorant doofuses have a simple question for you: Why? If this is really what you want to do, you have some serious problems and need to seek professional help. Really. If you insist on proceeding with this course of action, the Website cannot be held responsible for any adverse outcome that may occur as a result. This includes being publicly mocked and derided on this Website.
iii. Explicit License Restrictions.
Ah hell, who are we kidding here? There are a lot of restrictions here, but we really can’t enforce them now, can we? But still, without limiting any restrictions already stated in the Terms of Service, or your written agreement, the ignorant bunch of doofuses politely request that you refrain from doing the following:
a. Limitations of Reverse Engineering, Decompilation and Disassembly.
Don’t try to reverse engineer, decompile, or disassemble the Website – you may not like what you find …. And, by reading (or pretending to have read) these Terms of Service, you have agreed not to mess with this Website and/or its associated Services.
b. No Rental.
Except in cases where it may constitute “fair-use”, please do not rent, lease or lend access to the Website or any of the Services. Since this Website is not making any money, why should you? What kind of asshole do you think you are anyway?
c. No Redistribution.
Again, unless it constitutes a case of “fair-use”, please do not redistribute any information or Content provided by, through, or in connection with the Website or any of the Services. If you really need to go beyond fair-use, please contact the ignorant bunch of doofuses through the Contact Form to negotiate fair compensation for such use. In such cases, you will need to obtain written permission for such redistribution of Content.
d. Other Restrictions.
With regards to use or access of the Website or Content, you hereby agree not to be, through action or intent, a dick, a jerk, an ass, an asshole, a psychopath, sociopath or a generally unpleasant person.
Such restrictions may be amended at any time without notice based on specific bad actions by unnamed third parties.
And, by the way, don’t run with scissors.
iv. No License to Company Trademarks.
Don’t go messing with any trademarks, service marks, logos, brands, or domain names used in connection with this Website. That would NOT be cool.
C. CHARGING, BILLING AND SUBSCRIPTION TERM
So far, there are no subscriptions, paid or otherwise, offered by this Website. At such time when subscriptions are offered, this section will be updated accordingly. Hell, we’re not even offering to put you on a mailing list!
F. RESERVATION OF OWNERSHIP AND RIGHTS BY THE IGNORANT BUNCH OF DOOFUSES
This is the point at which I started getting tired of shit and gave up on paraphrasing the legal stuff expressed in similar boilerplate documents. If you’ve made it this far, WITHOUT SKIPPING, I congratulate you. You deserve some sort of award. Suffice to say, All rights not expressly granted herein are reserved. Access to the Website, Services and Content is granted under license; you have no ownership rights to anything on this Website – as we’ve said multiple times (just to get it through your thick idiot skull) this Website and all associated Content is owned by an ignorant bunch of doofuses, not you. You must acknowledge and understand this in order to continue using this Website.
2. MODIFICATIONS TO TERMS OF SERVICE
These Terms of Service are subject to change without notice. Such changes will be effective upon posting to the Terms of Service. It is your responsibility, as part of your agreement to abide by the Terms of Service to periodically check for changes to the Terms of Service. You agree to be bound to such changes as they occur, whether or not you have actually read or understood them. If you do not agree any such revisions, you hereby agree to cease use of this Website, Services and associated Content. Otherwise, you are bound to the latest revision to the Terms of Service, whether you like it or not.
A. DISCLAIMER OF SERVICES AND WEBSITE
Oh God! It just goes on and on, doesn’t it.
Neither Greenbackcafe nor its associated Content and Services provide individualized or specific investment advice. Any “advice” offered on this Website is a JOKE, and a bad one at that. The ignorant bunch of doofuses do NOT provide investment advice to individuals. What little information that is provided by this Website is impersonal, general in nature and is made without regard to individual levels of stupidity or ignorance, investment preferences, objectives or risk parameters and without regard to the suitability of the Content for individuals or entities who may access it. If you came to Greenbackcafe.com looking for legal or tax advice, good luck finding it because this Website does not, nor will it even upon request, provide that sort of thing. Actually, this Website is pretty damn useless, and the ignorant bunch of doofuses wonder why you’re still here … don’t you have something better to do? No information found on the Website, nor any Services provided by Greenbackcafe, should be construed as an offer to sell, or a solicitation of an offer to buy any security or investment vehicle, nor should it be construed as tailored or specific to you, or any reader or consumer thereof. Your continued use of this Website constitutes an understanding and agreement on your part that this website makes no specific recommendations of any sort including, but not limited to: breakfast cereal, investments, securities, brand of microwave popcorn, portfolio construction, transactions or strategies, pet choice, dog breeds (although we are partial to many types of terriers … and Beauvoirs), or course of action suitable for specific groups persons or entities. Listen to what your mother would say – if that ignorant bunch of doofuses told you to jump in the lake, should you do it? I think not.
As if it weren’t obvious enough, I suppose we should clarify that Content contains some very biased opinions on the author’s part. By reading the Terms of Service, you understand and agree to this. Greenbackcafe does not instruct its writers what to say or what to think, and multiple authors may hold and express multiple, and sometimes conflicting and/or contradictory, opinions. Hell, sometimes the same author may hold two contradictory opinions simultaneously. These opinions may change without notice. You understand and agree that past results are not indicative of future performance. That’s pretty much a given no matter what, but it still needs to be expressed apparently. God bless the ignorance of the masses.
You understand and agree that the ignorant bunch of doofuses is not liable for any errors, omissions, inaccuracies, or incomplete or out-of-date information contained within Content because many of Greenbackcafe’s sources are insane, unreliable and generally evil bastards.
There might be some additional disclaimers for specific Services. In addition to reading, understanding and agreeing to these Terms of Service, you agree to tracking down, reading, understanding and agreeing to such additional disclaimers should you avail yourself of said Services. Such additional disclaimers, when available, should be found at http://www.greenbackcafe.com/index.php/legal_stuff/product-disclaimers/.
The ignorant bunch of doofuses may at any time and without notice stop covering any security, sector, industry, company, topic, market or event, mostly likely because we would deem it too stupid for even us to continue doing so … or if doing so would land us in hot water legally or with the Mob. To tell the truth, we’re pretty scared of both the SEC and the Mob, so we’re trying to tread carefully here.
B. DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES
YOU HEREBY EXPRESSLY AGREE THAT ACCESS TO, AND USE OF, THE WEBSITE, SERVICES, CONTENT, AND THE INTERNET IS AT YOUR SOLE RISK.
Wow. That covers pretty much everything. You would think such a straightforward statement would pretty much stand on its own to indemnify blogs, etc. from crazies with frivolous lawsuits, but my experience with humanity has convinced me otherwise. I sigh wearily. I wonder how I can go on, not just writing this dreck, but with life. Really, having to continue writing this is sapping my will to live. Oy.
Oh well! Soldiering on …
ALL THINGS GREENBACKCAFE, AND ANYTHING DELIVERED TO YOU IN CONNECTION THEREWITH, IS “AS-IS” AND “AS-AVAILABLE”. AS WITH LIFE, THERE ARE NO EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND HERE. THIS INCLUDES, BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO, ANY WARRANTY OF MERCHANTIBILITY, NON-INFRINGEMENT, OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. PRODUCT CONTAINS A PACKET FOR FRESHNESS. IT IS NON-TOXIC AND HARMLESS, BUT DO NOT EAT IT. BE FOREWARNED! YOU MAY NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THE WEBSITE OR SERVICES OR PRODUCTS WHEN YOU NEED THEM MOST – SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION IS SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN AT THE MOST INOPPORTUNE OF TIMES. THE WEBSITE, SERVICES AND CONTENT MORE THAN LIKELY WILL CONTAIN ERRORS, INCLUDING TECHNICAL INACCURACIES AND TYPOGRPHAICAL ERRORS (like that one — we’re planning on sacking the proofreader). IN ADDITION, THE WEBSITE AND SERVICES MAY INADVERTENTLY ENABLE YOU TO ACCESS OR DOWNLOWAD (o-m-g! That new proofreader is worse than the first one! If you want something done right … ) HARMFUL OR MALICIOUS CODE INTRODUCED ONTO THE INTERNET BY THIRD-PARTIES.
4. LIMITATIONS OF LIABILITIES
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANY OF THE FOREGOING BULLSHIT, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT THE ONLY REMEDY AVAILABLE TO YOU IS TO STOP USING THE WEBSITE AND TO CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT. DOING SO IS YOUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE REMEDY TO ANY DISPUTE YOU MAY HAVE WITH GREENBACKCAFE.COM AND/OR THE IGNORANT BUNCH OF DOOFUSES. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT IN NO EVENT WILL GREENBACKCAFE OR ANYONE ASSOCIATED THEREWITH BE LIABLE FOR ANY ACT OR FAILURE TO ACT BY THEM OR ANY OTHER PERSON REGARDING ANY CONDUCT, COMMUNICATION OR CONTENT ASSOCIATED WITH THE WEBSITE, SERVICES, OR CONTENT.
MOREOVER, IN NO CASE SHALL GREENBACKCAFE, THE IGNORANT BUNCH OF DOOFUSES, OR ANYONE ELSE EVEN REMOTELY CONNECTED WITH THE WEBSITE BE LIABLE TO YOU OR ANYONE DERIVING RIGHTS FROM YOU IN AN AMOUNT EXCEEDING THE AMOUNT YOU PAID TO GREENBACKCAFE FOR THE SERVICES DURING THE ONE (1) YEAR PERIOD PRIOR TO THE DATE ON WHICH YOUR CLAIM PURPORTEDLY AROSE. SINCE THE AMOUNT YOU PAID IS ZERO, THAT MEANS WE’RE LIABLE TO YOU FOR BUPKIS, ZILCH, ZERO, NADA … NOTHING. IN NO CASE SHALL ANY SUCH PERSONS BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, SPECIAL, INCIDENTAL, FRIVOLOUS, CONSEQUENTIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES (INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, THOSE RESULTING FROM THEFT OR LOSS OF PROFITS, DATA, USE, GOODWILL, BUSINESS INTERRUPTION, ASTEROIDAL IMPACT OR OTHER INTANGIBLE LOSS) RELATING IN ANY WAY TO YOUR USE OF OR INABILITY TO USE THE WEBSITE, THE SERVICES, OR CONTENT. THIS LIMITATION SHALL APPLY REGARDLESS OF WHETHER SUCH ALLEGED LIABILITY IS BASED ON WARRANTY, CONTRACT, TORT OR ANY OTHER LEGAL THEORY, AND REGARDLESS OF WHETHER ANY PERSON HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
SOME REALLY FUCKED UP JURISDICTIONS DO NOT ALLOW THE EXCLUSION OR THE LIMITATION OF CERTAIN CATEGORIES OF LIABILITY. IF YOU’RE IN ONE OF THOSE, THE FOREGOING LIMITATIONS SHALL APPLY TO YOU ONLY TO THE FULL EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW. IF YOU ARE IN SUCH A JURISDICTION, YOU HEREBY AGREE TO CANCEL YOUR MEMBERSHIP TO THIS WEBSITE AND LEAVE, NEVER TO DARKEN OUR DOORSTEP AGAIN. JUST GO AWAY. BEGONE THOU FOUL PESTILENCE. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. IN THE EVENT THAT THIS LIMITATION OF LIABILITIES PROVISION, OR ANY OTHER PROVISION OF THESE TERMS OF SERVICE IS HELD TO BE OVER-BROAD OR UNLAWFUL AS WRITTEN, WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAVE US ALL THE HEADACHE OF LITIGATION AND … LET IT GO. MY GOD, YOU AMERICANS ARE A LITIGIOUS BUNCH OF NUDNICKS, I SWEAR. I SUPPOSE A COURT OF COMPETENT JURISDICTION COULD INTERPRET ALL LAWFUL PROVISIONS AS VALID AND COULD “BLUE-PENCIL” THE UNLAWFUL OR OVER-BROAD PROVISION(S) AND DEEM IT(THEM) AMENDED ONLY TO THE EXTENT NECESSARY TO MAKE THE UNLAWFUL OR UNENFORCEABLE PROVISION(S) LAWFUL IN ACCORDANCE WITH APPLICABLE LAW AND THEY COULD ENFORCE SUCH PROVISION(S) AS AMENDED, BUT REALLY. IT’S NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. GOING AWAY WOULD JUST BE THE EASIER OPTION ALL-AROUND.
WHEN IT COMES TO THIRD-PARTY PRODUCTS OR SERVICES OFFERED THROUGH OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE WEBSITE, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. THE IGNORANT BUNCH OF DOOFUSES WASH THEIR HANDS OF ANY TRANSACTIONS OCCURRING BETWEEN YOU AND ANY THIRD PARTY. THAT INCLUDES THE CLEANING WOMAN WE RECOMMENDED TO OUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR IN 2017. HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE WOMAN WAS WORKING A LONG CON?!
You agree to defend, indemnify and hold harmless Greenbackcafe.com and the ignorant bunch of doofuses from and against all actions, suits, claims (including investigations and allegations that are not yet presented as litigation), fire-breathing dragons, griffins and other threats from mythological beasties whether real or imagined, and liabilities, losses and expenses, including attorneys’ fees and costs, arising in connection with any breach of these Terms of Service by you. Upon failure to provide a defense deemed satisfactory by Greenbackcafe.com, the Website may assume the defense and charge you for the cost thereof. You agree to pay such costs immediately upon receipt of the invoice for said costs.
7. LINKS WITH OTHER WEBSITES
The Website, Services and Content may contain links to or make references to third-party websites and services. Greenbackcafe.com and the ignorant bunch of doofuses are not responsible for third-party content and/or services. We assume no responsibility for websites, services, products, etc., that are maintained by third parties. If you use a third-party website, service or product, your use is entirely at your own risk. We provide outside links and references solely as a convenience to you and not as an endorsement or approval of any content, practice, owner, or sponsor. Greenbackcafe makes no warranties of any kind in relation to such websites and/or services.
8. GOVERNING LAW AND JURISDICTION
Since you implicitly agree to these Terms of Service either through the reading of it or by accessing or using the Website and Services, you also agree that said Terms of Service are governed by and in accordance with the laws of the State of Illinois, regardless of provisions stemming from conflicts of laws. You submit to the personal jurisdiction of the federal and state courts of the State of Illinois and you agree that such courts shall have exclusive jurisdiction over any claim brought by you under or in connection with these Terms of Service, the Website, or any of the Services, and hereby expressly waive any objection to personal jurisdiction or forum.
9. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED
Greenbackcafe does not represent or warrant that any material on the Website or in the Services is lawful in every jurisdiction from which such material can be accessed. Nor is the material necessarily available for use in all jurisdictions. Accessing or using the Website or the Services from a jurisdiction outside the United States makes you responsible for compliance with all applicable local laws.
A. SEVERABILITY AND BLUE-PENCIL DOCTRINE
Any invalid or unenforceable provisions of these Terms of Service are necessarily restated, or “blue-penciled” so as to be as near as possible to the original intent in accordance with applicable law. The rest of the Terms of Service, that is the non-restated portions, shall remain in full force and effect.
B. TERMS OF SERVICE SUPERSEDE PRIOR
These Terms of Service replace and supersede all previous Terms of Service, understandings or agreements.
The only way any waiver of any provision to these Terms of Service can be effective is if it is in writing and signed by someone in charge of such things at Greenbackcafe.com. I’ll tell you right now, requests for such waivers will be met with peals mocking laughter and rejection. Failure of Greenback.com to assert any right in particular is not a waiver of said right. ALL rights, whether asserted or not, shall remain in full force and effect. In addition, these Terms of Service are not intended to confer, and do not confer, any rights or remedies upon any person other than yourself.
D. GOVERNING LANGUAGE
Appearances to the contrary, these Terms of Service and all related documents are written and shall be interpreted in the Italian language.
Section titles or “headings” in the Terms of Service are purely arbitrary — legally and contractually, they are meaningless, have no contractual significance and are in and of themselves to be considered non-binding.
11. CONTACT US
Questions, concerns or comments regarding these Terms of Services may be aired via the
as yet unavailable Contact Us form. Such correspondence will be summarily ignored or publicly derided as appropriate to your level of idiocy.